Saturday, March 23, 2013


FINAL THOUGHTS

No, the Greek has not returned to give us all a look from the other side.
Instead, he has left a void, huge and unfillable with the trivia of this world. Last night, we went to see a local version of Jesus Christ, Superstar.  I cried through
every song.  Why?  George was" just a man,".  Sound familiar?  But, his suffering and his desire to have this cup taken from him was too familiar in every word of the songs sung in that play. Yes, he was just a man, but he suffered, was rejected by those who before had befriended him, by family that should have enclosed and comforted him and  in the end, his choice was preordained.

I was going to tell you of how MS devoured him.  Of all the terrible symptoms that he endured with a calm spirit, an almost unearthly calmness that was so alien do a doer, a man who got things done impatiently, who never waited until tomorrow.  Well, he got a hard lesson.  He found that there are things you cannot do, no matter what your strength of will or resolve. 

I can continue for many pages, revealing so much about who George was, the man who thought he was very simple, not deep, not a thinker.  His blog and his endurance of the last five years gave us the truth about who he was.  I cannot be more eloquent or profound than he, himself was.

So, I write these words as the last that will be on this blog. As he said, time will pass, life moves on, last years leaves drop, become the mulch for the next spring, and then are forgotten.  He accepted the  flow of life.  He did not accept the injustice of it, or maybe, in the end, he did. 

I will leave it for you the reader, to mull over all that he said, and decide.
After George died, I found the attached picture folded in his wallet.  It speaks volumes of what finally drove him to make his personal choice. 

As his Mother, I will hold him in my heart each day and night, trying to preserve
the memories that I know will fade with time.  I am writing my thoughts on my own blog, Xaidw Speaks.com.  It is dark and sad, and I do not know if it will ever change.  I do know, that for the first two weeks after his death, I could feel him close by.  Now, it is as if he has left, disappeared into the atmosphere, gone completely.

I know we will all move on, whatever that means.  His words, though, have influenced many of you.  You have told me and commented on his blog.  He would have been surprised, but secretly gratified.  After all, he was a simple man.

15 comments:

  1. Hilda, if pain has a vocabulary, your words have used it. Likewise, the vocabulary of love was expressed in this cry from the heart. May you find solace somehow to salve what has to be unimaginable pain for a mother.

    Note: I could not access your blog from your instructions. The correct website address is:

    http://xaidwspeaks.blogspot.com/

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  2. Hilda,
    First it was eerie to see a notification from George's blog in my email. Then it became downright gut wrenching. A few weeks ago my brother and I were at my dad's house cleaning things out and moving the last of his important things to his new place. One of those things was his stereo and albums which he still listened to regularly. In them, I found Jesus Christ Superstar, a favorite we shared for many years. I put it on while I started thumbing through an old photo album. That is when I sent those pictures to you and George!! When "I don't know how to love him" came on, I lost it. Marc found me crying uncontrollably on the floor looking at pictures. I cried for my Dad because I am already mourning the man I knew, who was/is the greatest man I'll ever know. And I cried for George because he ranks right up there too. I don't know how to love him...we shared a special bond for the far too few encounters we had in our lives. His pain and his passing changed me in ways I can't quite put my finger on.
    I ache to think of losing one of my boys and know there are no words to touch what you are experiencing.
    I love you,
    Gina

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    1. Gina, Marc and all others who have read George over the few years that he wrote, Yes, his words somehow impacted all of us. His suffering and courage just showed me what a magnificent man he was. I hope in the time to come, that I will finally accept what happened to him, and acknowledge that he is at peace and rest. If only, only there was a confirmation, then I could accept. For the present, I can only continue to miss his presence and hold on to my love for him. To all of you, thank you. May you have peace in your lives.
      Hilda/Xaidw......George's Mom forever

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    2. Hilda,
      I think about the Greek so often. How can I feel so sad when I have never met him? Just the way he could find the words that identified with so many of us. He touched our lives.
      I can't even imagine how much you miss him- I miss him too and I am just a fellow ms'er who knew him only through his blogs.
      You are in my thoughts and prayers.
      Dee /OH

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    3. Dee,
      He touched me too beyond being my son. There was a special quality about him that made him unforgettable. And yet, he was so humble, never believing that he was special in any way. Maybe his new role is to touch so many of us with the authenticity of his words. And, to continue to do so.....as we reflect.
      I will continue to write on my blog because I need to keep his memory alive. And, I hope that someday his children will read all the words and understand the man who was truly their father.They lost so much because he left so early.
      Thank you for telling me that you miss him.

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    4. Hilda,
      If you ever wish to speak beyond these blogs and tell me more about your son I would be honored to hear more. I'd like to tell you more about me too. Perhaps a phone call or an email.
      I know this ms journey can be a lonely one and we don't want to burden others so we can't share what is really on our hearts.
      That's how it is for me anyway. I know George "got it" and I think you understand this too.
      Dee/OH
      norris728@hotmail.com

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  3. Hilda, there simply are no words. I only wish that you come to find at least a bit of the peace that I'm sure George has found exultant.

    MS sucks. That pretty much sums up much of the conversation that George and I carried out for three years. This blog will stand as a testament to the man, and as a denunciation of the disease that felled him. He lives on in the heart of all who knew him…

    Love
    Marc

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  4. Hilda,
    Maybe that picture you found in his wallet was George's way of giving us a look from the other Side. I know I felt touched by it.
    I will miss the way he could express what so many of us feel- but I'm glad he doesn't have to fight this battle any longer. I just wish God would give us an easier "exit door" out of this world when it becomes too much to take.
    So sorry for the pain in your heart. As a mom I can only imagine.
    Dee/OH

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    1. Dee, I would love any sign from him. Not having him with us is a constant ache. I miss everything about him except watching the horrible deterioration and pain. That picture broke my heart because it showed how he suffered alone and in agony. I keep listening for him, but I think he had enough.

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    2. There will be signs, Hilda, but not when you want them...when God feels you need them. That picture makes me think of how Jesus' and Georges' suffering have something in common: through the suffering of beautiful people, we try to become better people ourselves. Emulate them. Jesus did not suffer alone, His people suffered with him. Many people didn't know George was so lonely. He was so private but now George is very busy, not ignoring you, but being an angel to all those that suffer alone. Who's people/family run away from them instead of embracing them because they are like people that laugh at inappropriate times...they know not what they do. But George is their angel now, someone is finding comfort with him and he will be very busy in todays world.
      Someday, I hope you can smile at how you raised such a strong and beautiful man without a sadness in your eye.

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  5. George,
    Still missing you-- but wishing we were ALL on your side where there is no more pain or suffering.
    Dee/OH

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    1. Dee,
      Missing him all the time. I just wish I could be sure where the "side" is and that he is at peace...not sufering all the pain, emotional and physical that so many do on "this side".
      Hilda

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    2. Hilda,
      It's true-- known of us can be "sure" in our human understanding.
      For me it's all about trusting that the Word of God is sure and His promises are true. And believing this is not an easy thing for any of us to do. Doubts creep in all the time for all of us.
      That's why I pray--
      Thy Kingdom Come
      Thy Will Be Done
      Hopefully things will finally be made clear to us when Jesus returns to rule this earth and I can't wait for that day!
      Call anytime. I'd love to hear from you.
      Dee/OH
      p.s. Still can't comment on your blog Xaidw Speaks so will just use email or post here.
      Think about you often.

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    3. oops-- correction "none" not known.

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