I have learned in my short life that there are some subjects people really don't discuss because of their diversity in opinion and controversy. This includes abortion, politics, religion, etc, and until I had my own blog I followed that ideal, but since this is my blog I guess I can discuss whatever the hell I want. Therefore today I feel like discussing Almighty God, The All Knowing, All Powerful, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Divine Being, Father, God , Holy Spirit, Infinite Spirit, Jah, Jehovah, King of Kings, Lord, Maker, whichever your intention chooses to describe The Supernatural Being that many of us, including me follow.
I recently feel I have been following the darker side of the Christian experience than the brighter side and I have a lot of questions and must admit my faith has been challenged immensely. I have tried to find answers and constantly find myself asking the universe, but feel my questions fall on deaf ears.
As we all understand, God sent his Son into the world for the purpose of redeeming sinners, for the purpose of re framing their image to be like his Son. I'm not sure what happen to the Uni bomber, The Oakland County Child Killer, The filth that killed so many wonderful people in The Batman movie that horrid night and so on, but yet there still remains this "plan", this grand purpose, and things happen " for a reason." With this I struggle as with this reason for being afflicted with a disease for the greater "plan?!"
It is said that God's design, or his purpose for these unpleasant experiences is our need to suffer in order to fulfill his will. Again I struggle. "Sufferings are to try us,""to show our sins,""to build character,""to bring us closer to God,"to make us useful,""to prepare us for the glory to come." Recently I experienced a horrible UTI where I was hospitalized for 4 days, took an ambulance to the hospital, required three days of catheterizing, and relied on the nurses assistant for just about every function. Why was I so tried? I am not sure what sins were exposed except for the soiling of about ten gowns, nor did I feel like I was doing much character building, making myself useful or preparing for something wonderful to come my way. In fact it's been downhill since, as I have lost a ton of independence, my apartment, gone on disability, continue to muddle through a divorce, and require private nurses to get showered and dressed.
Today, however was a beautiful day, and I switched gears completely and spent a few hours at the park near my folks. I met a wonderful family while I was there, and after striking up a super conversation with the father of the family, again I must say I struggled with my faith. This man was in excellent shape, very clear minded, very well versed in the bible, and a God fearing Christian. He shared with me something very private. He was on his second marriage as his first wife was participating in an extramarital affair with none other than the Priest of his church. He felt, and I agree, had that not happened he wouldn't have been in the park with this wonderful second chance, and he was very content, but again I struggle.
I realize many of us find comfort in the thought of the supernatural, and we try to have a strong faith as without it times can be very alone and anxious. I am in complete and utter belief that there is a larger picture, but all the suffering that people experience. Is it really necessary? Really? Do many of us need to have the living shit kicked out of us, literally, in order to become better people and get closer to our maker? Again I struggle.
It is said that one day there will be a Resurrection. Ok I am fine with that. But when? And why do so many have to have senseless deaths at their office, or university, or having coffee, or just watching a movie!! What's he waiting for? Again I struggle.
My favorite number is 23, for many reasons. My birthday, jersey, number, roulette number, and a host of other reasons. Ironically it is my favorite psalm. "As I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, etc etc." this gentleman I met today brought up a great point. It says "thru." Does that mean this MS stuff is an experience, the vehicle thru which I will learn all these lessons? I cannot say I agree or disagree, but I sure hope he is correct. Again I struggle...But I feel essential that I believe..Nor can I afford not to....