Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Supernatural Being?!

     I have learned in my short life that there are some subjects people really don't discuss because of their diversity in opinion and controversy.  This includes abortion, politics, religion, etc, and until I had my own blog I followed that ideal, but since this is my blog I guess I can discuss whatever the hell I want.  Therefore today I feel like discussing Almighty God, The All Knowing, All Powerful, Allah, Almighty, Creator, Divine Being, Father, God , Holy Spirit, Infinite Spirit, Jah, Jehovah, King of Kings, Lord, Maker, whichever your intention chooses to describe The Supernatural Being that many of us, including me follow.
     I recently feel I have been following the darker side of the Christian experience than the brighter side and I have a lot of questions and must admit my faith has been challenged immensely.  I have tried to find answers and constantly find myself asking the universe, but feel my questions fall on deaf ears.
     As we all understand, God sent his Son into the world for the purpose of redeeming sinners, for the purpose of re framing their image to be like his Son.  I'm not sure what happen to the Uni bomber, The Oakland County Child Killer, The filth that killed so many wonderful people in The Batman movie that horrid night and so on, but yet there still remains this "plan", this grand purpose, and things happen " for a reason."  With this I struggle as with this reason for being afflicted with a disease for the greater "plan?!"
     It is said that God's design, or his purpose for these unpleasant experiences is our need to suffer in order to fulfill his will.  Again I struggle.  "Sufferings are to try us,""to show our sins,""to build character,""to bring us closer to God,"to make us useful,""to prepare us for the glory to come."  Recently I experienced a horrible UTI where I was hospitalized for 4 days, took an ambulance to the hospital, required three days of catheterizing, and relied on the nurses assistant for just about every function.  Why was I so tried? I am not sure what sins were exposed except for the soiling of about ten gowns, nor did I feel like I was doing much character building, making myself useful or preparing for something wonderful to come my way.  In fact it's been downhill since, as I have lost a ton of independence, my apartment, gone on disability, continue to muddle through a divorce, and require private nurses to get showered and dressed.
    Today, however was a beautiful day, and I switched gears completely and spent a few hours at the park near my folks.  I met a wonderful family while I was there, and after striking up a super conversation with the father of the family, again I must say I struggled with my faith.  This man was in excellent shape, very clear minded, very well versed in the bible, and a God fearing Christian.  He shared with me something very private.  He was on his second marriage as his first wife was participating in an extramarital affair with none other than the Priest of his church.  He felt, and I agree, had that not happened he wouldn't have been in the park with this wonderful second chance, and he was very content, but again I struggle.
     I realize many of us find comfort in the thought of the supernatural, and we try to have a strong faith as without it times can be very alone and anxious.  I am in complete and utter belief that there is a larger picture, but all the suffering that people experience.  Is it really necessary?  Really?   Do many of us need to have the living shit kicked out of us, literally, in order to become better people and get closer to our maker?  Again I struggle.
     It is said that one day there will be a Resurrection.  Ok I am fine with that.  But when? And why do so many have to have senseless deaths at their office, or university, or having coffee, or just watching a movie!!  What's he waiting for?  Again I struggle.
     My favorite number is 23, for many reasons.  My birthday, jersey, number, roulette number, and a host of other reasons.  Ironically it is my favorite psalm.  "As I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, etc etc."  this gentleman I met today brought up a great point.  It says "thru."  Does that mean this MS stuff is an experience, the vehicle thru which I will learn all these lessons?  I cannot say I agree or disagree, but I sure hope he is correct.  Again I struggle...But I feel essential that I believe..Nor can I afford not to....


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Multiple Sclerosis-What's In the Name?

     The other day I was reminded by a good fried of mine to be thankful once again for what we can do and not focus on what we cannot do.  It is really easy to get caught in the can't do when MS seems to rob me each and every day.  This friend of mine, who when often straightens me out I usually admit to him "you Jewish bastard, "you're right again."  He usually proceeds to throw the stupid Greek thing at me and I am good for a couple days.  However, the can't do's usually come back to me as I forget his advice often quite simply.  It can be something as easy as dropping my tooth brush thanks to an entirely numb hand without sensation and I get pissed with my inabilities.
     It has been a heat lovers dream this Summer, breaking temp records consistently.  Conversely, for one with heat intolerance, correction, major heat intolerance this Summer has been hell, literally.  As a result, my window of activity has shrunk immensely.  I may get out three hours in the morning by way of perhaps a scooter ride, spend the next eight hours indoors, and try to get back out for the latter part of the day when often coolness prevails.  So the other day while talking to my friend on the cell, the Jewish B as I refer to him,  while outside one late afternoon, bitching and cussing about how little I am able to do, he quickly silenced my rhetoric.  He who also suffers from "supposed" MS, admitted how he would kill to spend three hours outside, as he has been housebound for almost two months thanks to the heat, symptoms, and the horrific and ill effects of MS. 
    Here I was outside, uncomfortable, but still outside,all the while he remains confined to the house.   I am barely out there, yet I felt like a complainer, inconsiderate and negative, while often forgetting the fact I am not the "old" me but rather a sub-version and better start being thankful for those three hours out which seem nothing to me but would mean so much to him.
     MS has a way of doing this.  Just the acronym alone is revolting to me.  MS.  Multiple Sclerosis.  God how gross can two words be together.  Lots of scars basically is what it means.  MS. Managing Stress, Merely Surviving, Marital Status, Muscle Stiffness, Mainly Shit, More Shit, Mostly Shit, call it whatever you want but any way you put it it sucks.  The key is not allowing it to consume the three hours you get to go out each day, before returning to captivity, jail, bed and the like.
     How many of you get up each day, work, play, clean, eat, party, and hit the bed without even considering the fact that 15 or 16 hours past by?  Well I am here to tell ya, you better start recognizing what you're doing, and as opposed to getting up each morning and complaining about how tuff yesterday was, remind yourself how lucky you are to kill 15 or 16 or 17 hours today.  Imagine cutting that by three quarters, suddenly finding yourself confined to a wheelchair, suffering with pain and sickness, hoping and praying that you are well enough to get three or four hours in without relying on others to get you through the day, if you're lucky enough to have the endurance and the "others," as many do not.
     This weekend for me, although hotter than hell has been one of the most special and beautiful weekends in a long time.  I have had my son Michael, who is nine years old, hanging, laughing, cuddling, eating, and playing over the house, and as I mentioned earlier, enjoying that three or four hours with me.  Take what you can get no matter how little or insignificant it may seem and make the memory last the whole day.  If you are lucky to keep your health you will most likely take this time for granted naturally. 
     When every day those two little letters MS are so crippling to me, this weekend they represent one thing, Michael's Smile, and forget the rest, this is the memory I am focusing on...